Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Watching her eat just hurts me
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
