I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
