Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
