If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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