one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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