Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Drake has all the answers
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
