I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
you traded sex for a burrito?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
