Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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