you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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