so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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