I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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