i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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