Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
They are going to name an STD after you.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
