I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
