i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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