I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
