my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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