he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Randomize
