yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
