Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
