She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
