I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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