Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
