she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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