So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
