i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
