it was like his penis was on wheels.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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