Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
