Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
