I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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