onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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