I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
