my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
