Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Randomize
