your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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