Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
