I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
