I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
