Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
