just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
