Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I think your dad took our porno
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
