I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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