She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Randomize
