It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
