Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
