I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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