I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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