I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I'm really busy with my period
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