I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
