If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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