The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
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