if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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