You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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