god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
