3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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